A more than minor meltdown happened to me yesterday, triggered by miscommunication, children, a house inspection I had 45 minutes to get ready for…blah blah blah. Things feel extremely difficult at the moment.
Yes, the move should be a positive experience. Yes, the catamaran has taken seven years of fulltime building and at the time we move aboard will be neither afloat, nor finished – but we will be ON IT. Yes, we will be saving heapso money by not paying rent. Yes, there will be more time together as a family.
But actually – I feel as if I am on rails, moving inexorably toward a massive change. With such a pile of things to deal with and two Smalls to try and stay sane for, that sometimes it feels insurmountable. It shouldn’t. It’s just work – packing, trailer loads, cleaning, fixing the garden – but still…
M and I had a moment on the boat yesterday when we looked at each other, realising a vast communication abyss existed between us.
He assumed we were not moving straight on to the boat when we move out of our house, finally, on the 28th of January. He stated he understood that I would be caravanning at friend’s houses with the Smalls – or camping.
I said no. No. We are moving On. To. The. Boat. We are taking our food, our clothes, our craft boxes and computers. We are taking our pillows. We are taking ourselves. And we are moving aboard. I couldn’t understand how we could have completely different ideas of what is going to occur. I think we are now both clear…although I thought that before…
Yes, we will be camping – albeit with electricity and two port-a-pottis. We will not be afloat. But to me, the move (once I get through it) will feel like progress – and that is something I have felt occasional despair about over the last few years.
It is hard being anchored to a dream that has taken so long. It is hard living in a place for five years knowing I don’t intend to stay but have not been able to leave. While the Smalls were babies it was a useful place to be. I had support from the Nana – I met awesome people (eventually). But I am unable to deny the necessity I feel to dismantle the safe structure that we live within, in the hope that I am jumpstarting a new phase in our lives. It is more than time.
I am grappling with the hard stuff here… with the intention of coming out the other side in a new place, with new plans and a bucketload of lateral thinking.