--YOU KNOW YOU KNEAD IT--

Lost your love of life. Too much apple pie.

Today I walked out the back door and all the way to the bottom of the garden. I was tempted to howl at the sky, but instead stuck my fingers in my ears and lay on the lawn, feet to the fence. I could still hear them screaming from the house. I breathed in and out slowly and counted until I felt that I was not going to combust into a thousand shards of frustration. And went back inside.

Things feel harder than they should be. I am frustrated, tired by the latest teething sleep deprivation, guilty about not writing, not swimming, not stretching. I am stifled by all I feel that I cannot say in these pages – and puzzled as to how those bloggers I love to follow, the ones that let it all hang out, don’t have the same issues or self-censorship…

Today was too hard. I got two hours of work done having already invoiced for six. Thus, I will be trying to squash in ten to twelve hours on Saturday when M is on kid-duty. Fatigue is fragmenting my brain and I am almost incapable of concentrating for more than a few minutes at a time. I did not feel that I would emerge from my pity-party tonight, but M came home while the Smalls were still awake. Did the stories, took the other for walks and got it to sleep. And told me that my favourite mid-1990’s band from Leeds – The Wedding Present – were touring here in April for the first time ever. “You have to go,” he said.

I cast the impenetrable logistics from my head and bought a ticket. I will go. I am going. And today is suddenly brilliantly better.
🙂

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5 Comments

  1. Comment on the other blogs…they are like those gooey Christmas cards, you know the ones where everything and everyone are just peachy keen. At least you’re keeping it real.

  2. Good for you! I think everybody self sensors on some level, it can just be hard to see because everyone draws the lines differently. I hope today goes better!

  3. Loopsta

    I LOVE the Wedding Present!! How ace! Great news for you! Enjoy!!! Maybe a bit more listening to them with the headphones on to dull out the screaming! Sigh….. I hear you. At least you have a backdoor and a garden!!!

  4. Sam

    Oh I hear ya. Sleep deprivation makes everything ten thousand leagues harder… and the not having time to exercise or write, having to choose between the two (from someone who has not posted this year despite aspirations). And when you finally do, treading the delicate balance of what to leave out. Oh dear. Good on you for seizing that gig… Logistics will work themselves out. In the meantime, if you ever want some time out at a lighthouse you know where to find us! Oh and was there apple pie? 🙂

  5. Music is the best kind of therapy. You MUST go, no matter how much easier it seems it would be to stay at home when the time comes.
    I am going away FOR A WHOLE WEEKEND by MYSELF (well with girlfriends) in March ::mind-boggling::
    Hope the worst of this tough stretch is over.
    🙂

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