About four times in my life I have owned swimsuits that have really rung my bell. The first was when I was in Grade Five at Loch Primary School. It was a navy one piece, with a low cut back that had straps criss-crossing all the way down. I have no recollection of how I came to own it, whether I chose it, and where it ended up. But it was the goods. I wore it until there were those rubbed out worn patches on it from many afternoons at Poowong Pool and the beach in Beaumaris.

When I was 15 I took a trip with my beleaguered mother and sister (who doesn’t want to be mentioned on this blog, so forget I just said it) to the USA to visit our grandparents. I say my mother was probably beleaguered because I was 15 with an embarrassment gland the size of Saturn. Anyway, I did get to go clothes shopping. And in one most excellent bargain bin somewhere near Hampton Bays, Long Island – I found this slate blue one piece with a high neck. This sounds vile, but, when I put it on, I still remember both my grandparents saying grandparent versions of VA VA VOOOOM. It covered everything, but fitted so well – even then I wondered if I would ever find such an item again…and actually, I haven’t. Not in the area of swimming apparel anyway.

My third excellent swimsuit (and this is not the one that went almost transparent when I was at the swimming sports in year nine or ten…[shudder]…never swim in unlined pale mauve) was a black bikini. It was the beginning of my affair with the halter neck top. This was in the era before swimwear companies finally learned that not everyone with a size ten top, also has a size ten bottom. L and I, on at least one occasion, bought the same swimsuit in different sizes so she could have the big tops and I could have the big bottoms.

I mention L, because it was she that caused the demise of my third excellent swimsuit. She had borrowed my swimmer bottoms, and after a particularly hard night at our friend Pawl’s house (he had a hot spa and many stubbies of Coopers, a fatal and messy combination), they disappeared. This sounds far ruder than it actually was, and it retrospect, it makes little sense. I was also in the spa, and if she was wearing some of my swimsuit, what the hell was I wearing? Anyway, I moaned and whined, but to no avail. We never found the bottoms. And having one functioning part of something that requires two functioning parts, is almost more irritating that having no parts at all.

The fourth and final swimsuit? It is this that has driven me to write this meandering post. I don’t know where I got it, but it was a black, boyshort (before the term was invented) halter neck one piece. It looked classy, and the boyshorts meant you never had to worry if you hadn’t got around to that bikini wax. The one SINGLE problem was the fabric – it wasn’t that normal lycra, but a matte sort of cotton. Which degraded quite rapidly after a few summers of wear. It is this style I am trying to track down now, in my current physique of burnt matchstick with b-grade movie bazoombas.

It’s the first time I’ve thought of looking online for swimwear. Obviously this is something that could be quite fraught – but I’m starting to suspect it might be the best way. No disgusting fluorescently lit vile change rooms, no endless demoralising try ons, no indifferent or overly attentive sales people. Just me, my computer and my tape measure. I have been very surprised so far that Australia seems to have a few sites that have a surprising level of variety – but everything seems rather expensive. Thus, even with the parlous state of the Australian dollar, I have begun to look at US sites – and it’s the right time to do it. They’re heading into winter and it’s swimwear SALE time!!

The thing that began my spasm was one quick google search boy short one piece’. It brought up the marvellous Mighty Goods (from MightyGirl – who already resides snugly on my blogroll). Naturally, my shrieks of glee turned to whimpers of despair, because although it was available back in February, that particular swimsuit? The one that was going to take my post-baby body (as the trash ‘zines love to call it) and smooth it into some summer loving and well supported shapes? Everyone bought it, and it has ceased to exist.

But while my finger can still click, I will not lose hope…Popina Swimsuits – where they specialise in retro, is intriguing. Sue Rice swimwear is an Australian site that might also make me happy – if I win Powerball in the next week or two. The pictures on the first page are not anything that I like, but I have dug deeper and found some better designs. Anyway. That was a post that did not involve cats, caravans, trailers, babies or M. Special, wasn’t it? ;-P