m i a o w

–YOU KNOW YOU KNEAD IT–

Wagon Wheels

After a birthday conversation with Small Brother, I reinstated my abstinence. Conversation went as follows:

B: “So that postcard that was addressed to someone else inside the envelope addressed to me that I got from you last week…”

SB: “Yeah…”

B: “Well, what did my postcard say that was in an envelope addressed to someone else? Did they get it?”

SB: “Que?”

B: “Did you realise that you’d accidentally sent me a postcard addressed to someone else as soon as you’d posted it?”

SB: “What? WHAT? What are you talking about?”

B: “Niceness please. Birthday niceness.”

SB: [modifying his tone; probably not for my benefit, but for the benefit of his open plan office, scourge of corporate Britain] “You mean you haven’t sent it yet?”

B: [blankly, as if somewhat simple] “Sent it?”

SB: [moans softly] “Don’t tell me you’ve still GOT IT? I am going to be in TROUBLE. I SAID that I had sent this person [obviously female, and obviously unconvinced of SB’s good intentions toward her] a postcard from Australia. It needs to be POSTED from AUSTRALIA. And that is WHY… I mean, you want to be a detective. I don’t understand – why would you think that I sent you a postcard obviously written to someone else?”

B: “Ummm. I thought you were drunk when you posted it?”

SB: “But we DISCUSSED this. I told you all about it!! You SAID you would get it and post it on for me – thus saving my skin??! Remember when I spoke to you that night you were visiting Dad?”

B: [takes a horrified breath and sits down gently] “Not THAT night? That was the night I wrote myself OFF! I don’t remember anything you said to me. [taps self on head hopefully. nothing. nil. nada. finito.] Oh. My. GOD? I have killed your plan with my red wine! It’s all my fault!!

SB: [Shrieking quietly] “But you’re supposed to be into detection – there was FIVE DOLLARS in there for you to buy the stamp? Hello? Wasn’t it obvious?”

B: “Um, no. I just thought “that was nice of him, he’s sent me five dollars” and then I bought some milk with it.”

SB: [deep measured breaths]

B: “That’s it. I’m back on the wagon. See me? I’m wagoning. Wagon wagon wagon. I will send the postcard first thing in the morning. I will rub dirt into it so it looks like it’s lucky to have survived the journey! She’ll never know!”

SB: “Oh my GOD. We shall never speak of this again. You are RETARDED.”

B: “Birthday?”

Previous

Happy Birthday to ME!!

Next

Hot Cross Buns

4 Comments

  1. b:p

    shut UP!
    i posted it today with an excuse and dirt on it

  2. Dylan

    Get on messenger!!

  3. Very grateful postcard recipient

    Thank you so, so much for sending the postcard on to me… huge apologies for all the confusion/hassle caused!

Comments are closed.

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén