Quite some time ago I pointed out that HSBC probably stands for His Satanic Bastard Conglomerate. And here as well. This appears to still be the case. I accidentally transferred some money into my long unused HSBC account. When I’d finally traced where it had got to, via the rude people at Elders Rural Online Banking and the extremely nice people at Victoria Teachers Credit Union, I had a sinking feeling. It was again going to be Me Vs. HSBC.

And of course, that’s what it was. When they had finally confirmed my identity they refused to take my PO Box address as my only address. I instructed them that I have no residential address as I live on someone else’s property. They didn’t care. I then told them to just use my old address in Hampton, if they were going to be so bloody inflexible. They said that would be fine. Dickheads.

Once all my odds and sods were updated, I asked if I could now log onto my account online and transfer my money from their clutches. (Don’t ask me why I don’t just close the account. Just don’t.) Yes, they said. It’s still a ten digit pin and a six digit password? Yes, they said. Did you just steal a bit of my soul I’ll never get back? Yes, they said.

I hung up. Went to log in. Found that my password, unused for several years, popped obligingly on to my fingertips. Which made it all the more annoying when it refused to log me in, instead instructing me to call the number I had just rung. I called them back, instructing them to send the previous customer service agent directly to jail without passing go. Yes, they said.

Again, I went through a bamillion ID checks. Sooooo patient. I asked why I couldn’t log in. There was the sound of a wrinkled brow. Ahhh. Because I hadn’t logged in for so long they had implemented a system by which I needed a special security key device thing which needs to be SENT TO ME IN THE MAIL. I explained very carefully that all I wanted to do was transfer the money back out of my account. Yes, they said, that will cost you five dollars. I bit off a bit of the phone and told them that it was precisely for reasons such as this that I don’t use their stupid services anymore.

The saga ended with HSBC:1 and Me:0 – the only way I can transfer my OWN money out without being charged is by waiting for some nobariffic security key to be snail mailed to the PO Box. One day karma is going bite what is no doubt their MASSIVE conglomerated arse, and I can hardly wait.