Ha. That should attract the pR0n spammers! But in actual fact, last night I did the first yoga I have ever done in my life. I masqueraded as my mother, flashed her membership pass at the gym as I sashayed past… straight into the female toilets. Oops. Wrong way, go back. Bided my time in a toilet cubicle for five minutes and then headed back out, the right way. Not only was it yoga, it was hot yoga. I was desperately afraid that whoever was running the class would be throwing out commands;

“Now – assume the twisted dog. Breathe in warrior position through your belly button. Those that feel confident may attempt the position of the praying panda while breathing only through the left nostril.” And so on.

Luckily I sat at the back and presumed that I would be able to wing it, and was comforted by the fact that there were women there who were just as nuffy as myself. The lady up the front was very good at explaining what everyone was supposed to be doing, and it was all fairly slow – for which I was very grateful. My last attempt at a gym class almost scarred me for life, but my faith has been somewhat restored. I had decided that if anyone asked me what my name was, I was going to smile with American vigour and say “Hi! I’m Jan!” And then scuttle. Fast.

It was a great way to get over my work day. I am going to masquerade as my mother again next week – all I need to do is exude confidence as I walk into the gym centre, wave the pass and then make no eye contact whatsoever for the next hour. Easy peasy.