Dear Small Brother,
How are things in London? Much to my disgust, my attempts to get you something for Christmas have been thwarted from the outset. Or nearly. I ordered you the Calvin and Hobbes Complete Collection from amazon.co.uk - bastards. They let me think that I was an organised and useful relation to you for at least 24 hours, when they then shot me a quick email to say that they were ‘out of stock’ and they were ‘dreadfully sorry’ and ‘maybe I could console myself by going out and shooting a fox’ or something - stiff upper lip, and all that.

Instead of grabbing my rifle, I instead went to the place I should have gone to first…(or so I thought). Usually bookfinder.com doesn’t ever let me down. Sure enough, there was Calvin and Hobbes, in stock at various establishments. Right, I thought, I haven’t sent him a Christmas present for a year or two as I’ve been battling poverty and racist Queenslanders. I’ll send him something that costs a bit. Something with a bit of clout. So I order it. Again, I revel in a clear 24 hours, thinking I am both organised and generous (a difficult combination to attain at any time, but particularly near Christmas). Again, I receive a message. This time from a guy called Todd.

“Hi B,” says Todd, “The postage for your order actually costs more than was in the original order form. It’s going to cost $143.”
I ponder this for a while. Does he mean $143 for the whole order, books and postage? Or does he mean [stagger] that postage alone will be $143? Surely not. I write and ask him. Another 24 hours go by. Calvin and Hobbes may, at this point, arrive in time for Easter, depending on when that actually takes place.

“Hi B,” writes Todd, 24 hours later and with only two more shopping days until Christams no pressure, breathe deeply, “The $143 is just for postage.”
“Hi Todd,” I pound into the keyboard, “Thanks, but please cancel my order.I had no idea Calvin and Hobbes were so heavy.”

As we know, your birthday is two days after Christmas. We can blame our mutual parents for that faux pas. And while we’re at it, let’s blame them for creating a family in which four out of the five immediate members have birthdays within a span of 35 days, stretching financial management to the limits. Anyway, since you were even Smaller (than you are currently) I have tried to always get you TWO presents and not join those lame-o people who give you one decent present and then default on the whole deal by writing ‘Happy Christmas…AND Birthday!’ on the card.

So even though your Calvin and Hobbes collection was going to be the wonder present of your Christmas, I also sent you another little, less weighty book, so you’d have a s-e-p-a-r-a-t-e present for your b-i-r-t-h-d-a-y. Now, as I have been thwarted, you’re only going to get that ONE. MANKY. LITTLE. BOOK. and THAT’S ALL! How embarrassing. It would probably have been better to get nothing at all! But anyway, it’s too late now, and I just wanted to let yourself, and the rest of the Internet know that I tried. Goddamnit.

Don’t get drunk and fall in the snow. And watch out for carpet burns if you’re going to attempt any handstands for joy.

Love
The Elder Sister