m i a o w


Dear Dr Grass

[Brief Explanation: M spent some time tonight writing a spam letter to his great friend who got a Phd in Stuff about Native Grasses quite recently. This is what it said….]

Dear Dr Paul,
My name is Mr G. Knoll. Let me describe my work. My aim is to discover something. As you are aware grass seed and sock are naturally occurring attractors. Can this be the key to unlocking the mystery of something? Yes, I believe so too.

My students are sent into the field wearing only socks. Each student has a unique pair. We have male students on the team as well. Students spend a day in their special places doing stuff in their socks. This brings me to why I contacted you. My Nigerian backers and I are convinced we will discover ‘a very big thing’ when we analyse the seed from each sock. Dr Paul will help us? Will you get the seeds out the socks because we don’t want to.

Mr Grassy Knoll.

“Believe me, my young friend (said the water rat, solemnly), there is nothing – absolutely nothing – half as much worth doing as simply messing about in grass.”

Dear Mr Knoll.
The examination of correlation between grass seed type and sock type is an intriguing avenue of investigation. I applaud your methodology, but would caution you ensure there is sufficient replication in the field. For example I would send out 20 students (female) for each sock type. You might also consider the different seeding times of the various grass species, and therefore send them out on a number of occasions through the season. You would also need to nominate a protocol for walking through the paddocks. I would suggest something like 10 x 500m transects at each location.

Mr K, while funding for such ground breaking research such as this is critical, continuity of funds throughout a project are vital to meeting milestones. I would therefore caution some further investigation to establish the financial bona fide of your Nigerian backers. While not wishing to malign the common Nigerian fellow, there has been some doubt cast over the integrity of motives of some of these chaps in relation to financial scams in recent years. I would strongly suggest you refrain from allowing them access to any of your (or your partners) banking account details lest the flow of funds is away from, rather than to, your Australian research endeavors.

In summary, I appreciate your contact and the description of your work. I would like to be kept informed of the ongoing progress of this project. I would also be happy to assist in any statistical analysis of field data and have a dedicated group of female students capable of undertaking this work. In relation to the extraction of seed from the socks, I believed there is a patented piece of machinery developed in one of the former Soviet states (Uzbekistan) purpose built for this job. I believe the chap to contact is one Ivan Libuše Olivová-Nezbedová who is a resident of Tashkent (the capital of the republic of Uzekistan). I understand that Ivan’s field of expertise is in fact drug running and extortion, however, his childhood experience and a goat herder and his amateur interest in socks of the Eurasian steppes (which I’m reliably informed later evolved into something of an obsession revolving around aberrant sexual gratification utilizing this piece of clothing or as it is known as in Amsterdam ‘sock-love’) lead to his development of the ‘UzbekySocDeSeedá’. At a cost of 27,000,000.00 som (the local currency) or $1,000,000.00 US this machinery would represent a bargain for a good old fashion ‘pure’ scientific research project such as yours, and given your backers turn out to be sound fellows, should represent nothing more than a blimp on your budgetary pages.

For the moment sir, good day to you and regards,

Dr Paul


Return & Recovery


The Sea Air

1 Comment

  1. *LMAO* I love that. Seriously.

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