So I had my job interview, and lied my way through it with general aplomb. There was a panel of four interviewers including my boss (who I was instructed not to recognise as they were treating this like a ‘regular’ interview – as in, I was supposed to ignore the fact that I’ve already worked in the position for the last two years). What a joke. I had warned my boss beforehand that if anyone used the word ‘paradigm’ while interviewing me, I would not be restrained from launching myself across the table and physically assaulting the culprit. I can only remember a few bits:

Interviewer2: What do you see as the blah blah blah paradigm blah blah blah?
Me: [Stiffens. Shows remarkable restraint.] Yes. That’s an interesting question. I would have to say that…blah blah blah blah [I still don’t understand the use of that stupid word.]

Interviewer3: And in five years or so, where do you see yourself?
Me: Further away from here than you can possibly imagine…oops…I mean, I anticipate by that time we will have produced a number of publications and completed our major research project, so I feel that as a group we will have great credibility in our field. I hope very much to continue and expand my role over the next five years. [Yeah. Right.] Interviewer3:…and possibly begin a PHD?
Me: Absolutely. The area that I’m currently researching is very intriguing and I would love the opportunity to examine it closely. So that’s a definite possibility, yes. [lie lie lie]

Interviewer4: Presenting work…blah blah…public speaking…blah blah?
Me: Sorry, I don’t understand the question.

Interviewer1: Presenting work…blah blah…public speaking…blah blah?
Me: I have extensive public speaking experience and training. I have studied broadcast journalism and worked in public radio for a number of years. I have co-authored papers that have been presented at international conferences, and I am completely confident about presenting research that I have a good grasp of. [Meaning: I have never presented any research or powerpoint presentations to anyone, anywhere, ever – and intend to continue thusly.]

So after the whole shambolic, overly-formal excercise, A and I are wrecks. The boss says “Let’s go to lunch!”
“Great!” we think – “his shout – we’ll choose somewhere good.”
So we go out, order seafood, a couple of glasses of white. And when we get to the cash register, our boss says – “Just give me a twenty each, and we’ll call it sqare.”

[…this post may be removed after a week due to dooce potential]