So I’m supposed to be meeting my mother at 1pm in Hampton, but I wake up, hang about a bit, and it’s absolutely pouring. I decide on a plan of attack. I will tell her that I’m happy to hook up with her in St Kilda, but I’m not coming to Hampton. It’s almost as much of a hassle for me to get to St Kilda as it is to get to Hampton – two trains or two trams – but it’s still closer, and besides, I’m trying to prove a point. But before I can make my masterful phone call, she calls me first. Bugger.

“So, are we still on for lunch?”
“Yeah, I’m happy to meet up mum, but Hampton’s too far for me to come. It’s totally wet, I’ve got no coat or umberella. Can’t you meet me?”
[Can’t you meet me for a change? Is what I want to say, but I am so composed and mature, that I refrain.] The Sigh.
“Where? Where would I meet you?”
“How about St Kilda? It’s kind of half way.”
“St Kilda? St Kilda? I’ll never get a park.”
“Gee mum, I lived there for at least three years, and somehow I managed to find a park every day.”
“Ohhhh, I don’t know.”
[‘Tell her to park in the Coles carpark!’ pipes Rachael, whose kitchen I am pacing.] “Park in the Coles car park.”
“I don’t know know where that is. Just get on the train and come to Hampton.”
[I take a deep breath. A breath of battle, boiling oil and snorty horses.] “No. Nope. I’m not coming to Hampton. And seeing as you’re not going to come half way to meet me, then lets just call it off. I’ll see you when you get back from the States.”
“So I’m not going to see you before I go?”
“Doesn’t look like it, no.”
[She argues with me for a few more minutes to no avail. We talk of other things. Then, before we hang up she says again;] “So I’m not going to see you before I go?”
MUM! Will you cut it out? You won’t get in your car to go further than three minutes away, and thus I’m not taking two trains to see you. Have a nice time in the US…”
“…but what about your Christmas present. Have you run out of make up yet?”
“I can’t wear make up in Hervey Bay, it all melts off. If you want to give me something, give me cash.”
“Well that’s not very Christmassy….”

I give up.