[m i a o w] the cat

The Straight Dope Message Board has an awesome thread going on where people are posting excerpts of Lord of the Rings as written by different authors. Here’s one:

“Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!
I am too small to carry this thing!”
“I can not, will not hold the One.
You have a slim chance, but I have none.
I will not take it on a boat,
I will not take it across a moat.
I cannot take it under Moria,
that’s one thing I can’t do for ya.
I would not bring it into Mordor,
I would not make it to the border.”

-excerpt from Dr. Suess’s FOTR.

ROTFL…here’s ‘by’ Mickey Spillane….

LOTR by Mickey Spillane:

I was sitting by the fire, puffing on a pipe, still nursing a hangover from the ale-fest the night before, when HE walked in.

He had a long white beard, a magical staff, and legs that youd like to eat on toast.

“Are you Frodo Baggins,” he intoned.

“I might be,” I said. “Who’s asking?”

“My name is Gandalf, Mr. Baggins. And I need your help.”

I looked him over. “Lots of people need my help. What makes YOU special?”

“Well, Mr. Baggins… there is a certain piece of jewelry. If it fell into the wrong hands, it could prove… troublesome. I need someone to take this ring to Mount Doom, where it can be destroyed.”

I stuck some more weed in my pipe, and said, “Look, doll, let’s get one thing straight- you can’t come into my hole, tell me a fairy-tale about a magic ring, bat those pretty eyelids, and have me fall at your feet. I stick my neck out for nobody.”